Ahem…

Let’s begin with a throat clearing mantra, Haaaaammmmm.

I still don’t feel ready.

Maybe let’s start with someone else’s words while I gather my thoughts, emotions and courage

“Sometimes a woman trips over her own introversion and wants to simply wish things into being; she may think that just thinking the idea is good enough, and there need be no outer manifestation. Except she feels bereft and unfinished anyway. These are all the manifestations of pollution in the river. What is being manufactured is not life but something that inhibits life.”

– Clarissa Pinkola Estes, Women Who Run with the Wolves

We are always creating. This quote gives my difficulty speaking with you (with my-Self), voice. A dark hidden part of me suspects that I am always creating even if mumbling or pondering alone. At the worst, neutral inaction. The idea that I am manufacturing “something that inhibits life” feels harsh and true.

As a philosopher, I take refuge in the beauty of ideas. As a social worker, this lack of outer manifestation stings. I do feel bereft and unfinished. I cannot be complicit in my own silence while supporting the voice of others.

So today I utter, “ahem” to clear my throat. I proclaim my discomfort and readiness for whatever whisper, scream, cry, poetry, song, story that has been simmering for too long. I commit to manufacturing life.

Maybe you are feeling the same urge. If so, clear your throat, consider the words of another as a sounding board, and a mantra, and breathe. That might be enough today.

Check back here to witness my struggles to be self-curious with you. You are not alone.

Yours,

Banu